Points

Which Witch

October 10, 2026

Lyrics

Which Witch (Your Magic Is Weak)

Introspoken

(cauldron bubbling, a long wicked cackle) "Double, double, toil and trouble..." (record scratch) Nah. Sit down. Hocus pocus? (You ain't focused!) Double, double? (You in trouble!)

Verse 1

Who are these birds that be hidin' in the dark? Moonlit rituals at midnight - in the park Bathin' in blood, and they smell like a fish They lie to your face, so don't you make a wish On a witch - (nope!) - orders of chaos, bunches of covens Too big for their britches - go ask Gretel 'bout ovens 'Cause witches got twitches, they're servants of hell Soldiers of Satan - and my God, do they smell! Behavior so awful, it oughta be cut Grab a switch for the witch - (swat!) - right on the butt Enemies of children, they gnash on the bones Plottin' behind buildings, sellin' charms on their phones Pay-per-curse, horoscopes, a psychic hotline - "Unlock your destiny!" Only twelve ninety-nine Crystal ball's a fishbowl with a goldfish inside And your black cat crossed the street just to get off your side

Hook

Get back to your hovels, you covens of creeps! - (P.U.!) Get back to your hovels - you stink in your sleep! - (P.U.!) No wonder you stink - you can't take a bath: One drop of water and you melt - (I'm meltin'!) - do the math!

Verse 2

Mirror, mirror on the wall - it cracked up laughin' Snow White passed on the apple, now the whole plot's collapsin' Dorothy dropped a house on your sister last season Now you're salty 'bout some slippers - is that treason? Your flyin' monkeys unionized and walked off the job Baba Yaga's chicken-leg hut just outran the mob Your broom's in the shop and the warranty's void Your cat filed a claim and your toad's unemployed Your perfume is sulfur, your cologne is toad - We can smell you comin' from a mile down the road You summoned a demon - and he left you on read Cast a curse on the neighbor, but it hit you instead Even the Ouija board spelled out L-O-L You're the only one spooked by the spells that you spell "Double, double" - that's a play, and we know how it ends: Every curse that you send boomerangs back again

Hook

Verse 3

Pack up your cauldron, your cat, and your creeps Take your toads and your newt eyes - that spiritual sleep In your eyes is a tell. Now get thee behind us Back down to hell, where the fire can find ya 'Tis for thee that the belltower tolls Get thee and thine gone, you ugly old trolls Your magic is weak, here in this age Of degraded wisdom and spells you can't gauge Rebellion's as the sin of witchcraft - Samuel said it "I'll cut off witchcrafts from thy hand" - Micah read it In Ephesus they hauled all the spellbooks to the square Fifty thousand in silver went up in the air Paul told the spirit, "Come out of her!" - and it came So resist the devil - he flees at the Name

Bridgechanted, church bells tolling

Ring the bell - (dong!) Shut the book - (slam!) Snuff the candle - (hsss!) Get thee behind us - (scram!)

Hook

Outrospoken

(sizzling, a tiny squeaky voice) "I'm meltin'... meltin'..." Yeah, yeah. Broom service is cancelled. (one church bell)