Signed Sealed Stolen

Lyrics

Signed, Sealed, Stolen (Who Took My Mail?)

Introspoken

Ding. "Informed Delivery: You have four pieces of mail arriving today." A check, a court date, a letter from the bank... and a card from Mama. Uh-oh. Ding. "Status: Delivered." "For your security, we can't tell you where."

Verse 1

Every mornin' I go check it, and the box is like a ghost "Sorry we missed you" - missed me? I was posted by the door like a post! Where my check at? Where my card at? Where my notice from the court? Even junk mail's goin' missin' - who be stealin' coupons for sport? Now, I ain't blamin' my carrier - she's a legend, she's a saint Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor that Chihuahua at the gate So I'm side-eyein' the back room, in the cage behind the counter Hold it up against the light - "Ooh, that's a check" - and the fat envelopes wander Then I read about Houston - three carriers (allegedly!) Got recruited by a hustler, fishin' checks out the satchel regularly Sold 'em on a Telegram channel - "Slips and Chips" - what is this, a fish fry? Twenty-four million in paper - and one check was a million-five!

Hook

(Who took my mail?) Signed, sealed... stolen Said the check's in the mail - yeah, the mail got stolen (Who took my mail?) Neither snow nor rain Nor the gloom of night - just a stranger with my name

Verse 2

Then a senator from Missouri held a picture up in session Thousands of letters dumped in St. Louis - taxes, bills, and prescriptions Postmaster General said, "This is the first time I've heard about it" Asked him 'bout the service and he said, "What mail?" (What mail?!) - nobody doubted it But the bonuses? On time! Never late and never lost Only thing with guaranteed delivery is the check that's to the boss Out in Maryland, a carrier tossed the mail into the trees (allegedly!) Now the raccoons read my statements and a deer got my W-2s - please! And every single envelope in America gets its picture taken "Mail Isolation Control and Tracking" - look it up, I ain't fakin' If a camera saw the check, then a hand was standin' there Informed Delivery sends the photo - but the check went who-knows-where

Hook

(Who took my mail?) Signed, sealed... stolen Said the check's in the mail - yeah, the mail got stolen (Who took my mail?) Neither snow nor rain Nor the gloom of night - just a stranger with my name

Verse 3

Then a stranger filed a change of address - 'bout a dollar online Forwarded my whole life to a duplex off the Beltway - fine Post Office mailed a letter just to make sure it was me Guess where that letter went? (Who took my mail?) Exactly Missed a court date I ain't know about - default judgment, bang Process server swore he served me - "sewer service" is the game Steal the mail, then steal the name, then steal the house, then steal the land It's organized - forge a power of attorney, notary in hand Grandma's will went into probate - notice went to the wrong door By the time the family found it, there wasn't an estate no more It's civic fraud in every county - every courthouse, every clerk And it all starts at a mailbox where a stranger does the work

Verse 4

So I looked a little closer - who else had a key? Like my old roommate: "Oops! I thought this one was for me" And my ex - the love of my life - still got a key to the box Kept a shoebox full of my envelopes, right next to her socks Every "pre-approved" card offer? She approved 'em, every one Now I owe for a jet ski in Galveston - and I never had the fun Crashed with family in a rough patch - Uncle said, "It's just routine, Need your Social for a form" - now I own three houses I've never seen And the paper trail keeps goin', every postmark, every seal Every road keeps leadin' back... to Mama's kitchen (for real)

Verse 5

There's Mama at the kettle, steamin' envelopes, of course "I was only checkin' on you, baby" - not a lick of remorse Every bank asks a question: "What's your mother's maiden name?" Mama, that's YOU! You're the password AND the hacker - same game! Filed my change of address to her house "for my own good" Said, "I'll hold it for you, baby" - then she read it like she would Lady at the post office counter? Chapter sister - five-point star Uncle Ray's lodge brother runs the scanner - now you see how deep we are Seventeen-oh-two: "to pry into the business or secrets of another" That's the federal law, word for word - Mama, they wrote it 'bout my mother! "I'm your mama, it's my right!" - Ma, that's five years, federal time "Baby, I was worried" - then she signed my name on the line

Hook

(Who took my mail?) Mama took my mail! Steamed it open on the kettle - "I was worried!" - what a tale (Who took my mail?) Signed, sealed... stolen From the kettle to the chapter to the lodge - and the box still open

Outrospoken

Ding. "Informed Delivery: One piece of mail arriving today. From: Mom." ...It's a sympathy card. "Thinking of you." ...Yeah. Thinkin' about my mail.